Spring Has Sprung

and you can tell this because of all the yard sales :) The one that really caught my eye is one I read online:

Yard Sale Today in Hell's Kitchen!

I had no idea anyone had a yard there, or indeed would be interested in having a yard sale. The last time I was there (a while ago) IF they were having a yard sale they would be getting rid of old knives and things to have money to buy more bullets. Apparently things are on the upswing down there, so good! But let's say you had no idea where Hell's Kitchen was and you took it literally - what would be for sale at a Hell's Kitchen yard sale?


Satan's Spatula
Beelzebub's Barbecue
The Devil's Apron
Lucifer's Ladle
Mephistopheles' Mixer
and a crock pot

Too silly today - but at least I posted again!

An Open Letter To Those Who Park Wherever They Want To

Ok - Himself and I have been noting several instances of this for some time and I need to address them here so as not to hurt someone in real life.

1) Preschool Parker - why do you park in the margin of the exit? As you must know (because we all know) the parking lot of our little school was repaved and relined to the tune of $58,000. The white lines mean you can park between them. They are not some massive Suduko puzzle or empty organic chemistry bond skeleton. YOU CAN PARK THERE! You always show up with the one kid you are leaving at the school, wearing casual clothes and in no particular rush. You are not going to work as far as I can tell, you stop to talk to other Moms so you are not bolting off somewhere. You do not limp - indeed, you appear rather fit. Are you just lazy? Because when you come out of the school and open your door for your kid to drag herself in you massive Suburban door partially blocks the exit.

2) Post Office Parkers - this is for those of you who park in the handicapped spotand are clearly NOT. WHY? What if EVERYONE "just wanted to run in"? Have you ever seen the man who parks there and gets our and needs TWO crutches? OMG. He smiles and goes in. If I had MY way, he would get YOUR abilities and you would get his infirmaties. Be glad I am not in charge.

3) Church Parkers - Ok, this one is hard because at Church of all places I should be less judgemental. But then again, it was a place that Jesus lost his cool too. Alright, parking is a bear. I know that, that's why we get there early BUT we have been late sometimes and when we are, we suck it up and park 1700 miles away. What is it about parking lots that make people think they can make their own spaces? AND WHY WOULD THIS SEEM LIKE A GREAT PLACE TO BREAK THE RULES? Anyone? Anyone?

4) Strip Mall Parker - Now I have loitered in the "No Parking Fire Lane" area. I think we all have! I have even insisted that Himself be on the lookout for me when I come out. (that's another story for some other time. How can one man get SO interested in a 5 year old TripTik in the 4 minutes I am in the grocery store that he cannot look up to see if I am out of the store or not? I mean, who reads maps? And if you do are they THAT engrossing? Not sure how it all ends? Totally can see why they thought the world was flat? COME ON!) Anyway, who gives these people enough self esteem to PARK in that lane? Why doesn't the firetruck ever come THEN?

You live your life by the rules and then you see all these people who don't really care - and they get away with it! It can really get to you after a while. Vigilante Parking Patrol might be in order :)

The TTLITBY and The City Bitch

Ok - so TTLITBY is The Thing That Lives In The BackYard. It's a woodchuck or groundhog - some kind of large marmot that has an attitude problem. We've discussed him before. It has ruined the side of our hill that leads into the backyard area. We also have a family of deer - well, a single Mom and her twins and last year's fawn who is now a yearling. Dad is off doing whatever Dad deer do - what the hell do they do? Nothing? Do they have super secret jobs somewhere? Do they sit around making s'mores by roasting marshmallows on their antler? I have no clue. Anyway - we are pissed at the deer family because they have eaten every plant put in. This includes the ones that deer "are not supposed to eat". Once again, clearly they are not reading up on the manual regarding what they eat and don't eat. I'm mad because we did the research! Anyway, so now we have deer and ground monkey problems (DD2's original name for TTLITBY) After a while it can grate on you - I mean we do not live in the country exactly. We are in the town, we are like a mile from "downtown" Podunk. Granted, we are still Podunk BUT we are a little more than an hour from the Gateway for the World, New York City! We have coyotes, deer, TTLITBYs, snakes of all sorts - including rattlesnakes (!), bear. I swear if a friggin' T.Rex showed up in the side yard I would only be mildly surprised.

OK - so I am at the floor store (not it's real name! I rarely bother to learn the real names of things - I rename them based on what I buy there. Sometimes I throw in "place" instead of store. The Wine Store, The Waxing Place, The Bagel Store, etc. Saves me the time of having to retrieve the info from the mental rolodex ) and I need to talk to the chick I spoke to last time. Her name is Floor Store Lady when we refer to her at home. So FSL has someone she is dealing with - City Couple. Ugh. These people are Manhattanites who have decided to redo the summer house and maybe live in it for retirement. They seem to have a uniform - it's September so man must wear dark wool trousers, grey cashmere turtleneck and dark shoes. Wife is trying to look casual. Wives come in 2 varieties: Designer and Bohemian. This one was Bohemian. Long beige peasant skirt, black blouse, black Coach bag and bad hair - past shoulder length (which IMHO is hard to pull off when 60+) and dyed black so many times that it is now crispy. Said crispiness makes it float a bit giving off a very Witchy Woman vibe. Wears patchoulli so we know that she went to Woodstock. He might have made money, but did it in an eco-friendly way. They are buying bamboo flooring for the main part of the house and oak for their bedroom I notice. Interesting. So, her hubby is talking to FSL and I need to wait so Floor Store Man decides to chat me up. (Am v.v. sexy so I get this a lot) So he starts:

Floor Store Man: So, (sucking noise made through teeth) Got a deer problem this year?

Me: Totally! Don't you hate that?

FSM: I hear ya. Also got us a woodchuck thing. Lives right in the backyard and won't move. Got one of them?

Me: YES! Do not know WHAT to do with him either! We wish we had our 'coon hound/Lab mix still - she took care of all those things before.

Witchy Woman - (standing off to side, about 8 feet away) makes a tutting noise. Looking in our direction but NOT a part of our convo. Clearly FSG does NOT want to talk to her as he likes sexy customers and not witchy ones.

FSM: Did that work? I'm thinking of getting a Rottweiler. My friend is going to Iraq....

WW: Loud sigh

Me: eye roll

FSM: (smile)so I thought I would take his dog till he gets back

Me: that's nice. I bet that would help - if he has the attitude. Some big dogs don't. My present dog is smaller than our woodchuck so I am out of luck. I think I need to get a GUN. (I stress this word for good measure)

WW: gurgling noise followed by a loud sigh

FSM: Well, that would be one way to do it. Do you like venison?

Me: (fully entertained now by WW) Nah, I just want to shoot them. I wouldn't eat the woodchuck neither!

FSM: (Laughs out Loud) You could probably give it away.

Me: Yeah, someone would take it. (Wait a beat) Do you have any real hard wood floors I can look at? Like stuff from really old hardwood trees?

WW: sucks in all the air in the room, in one huge gasp. She now decides to leave the showroom and go walk her beagle.

OK, I am not a big fan of guns personally because they scare me but I could not resist!! I also do not really want to kill the TTLITBY and the deer. I'd like someone else to do that :) I did talk to Himself about getting a BB-gun so we can just scare them, but he doesn't seem to warm to the idea of me having even a weapon of minor destruction. Go figure.

I also know that not ALL Manhattanites are like that - but you know what? A lot of them are. They think because they are moving here that we need to wait for them, that here is not as good as there, that we do not have the variety they had there, we are not as intelligent somehow, not as informed, etc. etc. Well then GO BACK. You came here because it's cheaper and that's that! Now get a grip! (ok, off soap box)

Am beginning to feel a little like Bill Murray's character in Caddy Shack, so that's a little scary!

Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

The New Schedule

So - we start our mobilization of Napoleon's Army the night before, when everyone either bathes or showers so as to not have to do that in the morning or we would never get out of the house. We pack backpacks and snacks, hopefully make lunches. R is in bed by 8:30 and I am thinking that might need to get earlier. M goes in 9:30 supposedly. Usually some crisis occurs that keeps her up till 10: she must check the weather channel (she wears a uniform), she need to go to the bathroom (for half an hour??) or she lost her pillow. (WTF???) So we humans are settled in by 10 and I watch TV until 12 or so. Don't ask. M says I need Lunesta because the commercial says it is for "restless minds that won't shut off". So as I get to sleep at that time, then 5 out of 7 nights I wake up at 3:30 to pee. All this time preceding SB is asleep on a little pillow next to my bed. At around 4am she will start hearing the deer outside the house and start barking. Usually I am the only one who hears her (again, WTF???) and she will keep up the ruffing and growling until around 5:30. The alarm goes off at 6:30 and I just want to sleep!! M's alarm goes off too and we start The Hair. It takes a long time to get your hair straight and flat apparently. She gets dressed and then eats. I wake R at around 6:45 these days - might push it back. She gets up and we choose bfast. We spend about 5 minutes and always settle on Rice Krispies. This gets eaten, slopped and poured on the dog - in that order. At this time I am getting dressed. I have purchased and put together outfits specifically to piss off the other mothers. This includes shoes, pocketbooks, jewelry and makeup. I am trying to set my place in the pecking order. Yes, it might seem odd but it's what needs to be done. I am very friendly and talk to everyone, but I have "A Plan". Ok, then we then go and wash slopped Krispies off face and brush teeth, get dressed and diss the clothes. ("Mr. Lauren makes ugly stupid clothes" (as in Ralph L) OR one outfit got the thumbs down because "What do you want me to look like, an old man movie star?" The outfit has a belted jacket. Too Bogart-esque I guess? Too much TV with Pippy! Ugh) At this point SB has been chased around the house at least twice to get the doll/sock/hair bow/tin can that she has run off with. IF there is time there might be something watched on Nick for a few minutes and then R makes out with SB before leaving the house, declaring undying love and all that. We get in the car to take M the 1/2 mile to her new bus stop. (Very nice, huh?) We let her get on and we must look "cool" and "disinterested" while sitting in the car. (Do I ever look INTERESTED while sitting in the car? I must.) We must also be sure to be gone before the bus loops around the development. And then we travel the 2 or so miles to R's K class. We have been the first ones there so we sit in the car and go over and over why we can't go in. THERE IS NO ONE THERE. THERE IS NO ONE THERE.THERE IS NO ONE THERE.THERE IS NO ONE THERE. The teachers come from prayer 5 minutes before school starts and we are at the door waiting. Off she goes in and never even looks back at me. I go home and read Email, FT and try to get some work done. Defrost something to cook later. Eat breakfast.Pickup for R is at 11:30 and we need to be back for M's bus - at a different stop - by noon this week. (Her full days start next week and she will have a later arrival home.) We sometimes need to give Pippy his lunch or just generally educate him on the new shows he COULD be watching if he turned to Nickelodeon. Sometimes we force him into a game of Life (played traditionally) or Clue (played, ironically, WITHOUT a clue - just roll dice and move that amount of spaces)Our own lunch of sandwich for M and 20 ounces of milk, a Pringle and 17 goldfish for R. Sometimes some other cookie subs for the fish)Then we need to be sure SB is over fed and over watered. Once tenderly cared for it is now time to attempt to assassinate SB. Choke holds, wrestling matches, "tag" - whatever you call it, it all seems like an attempt to kill a dog that cost $500 a pound to buy. As soon as all of these chores are done we get some downtime at the TV while I try to work/call people back/read Emails/recommend college take certain actions with craze clients/decide if we need a college counselor/plan meals/field IMs from crazy clients and try NOT to eat all the chocolate in the house. Now it is around 4 and we will be playing outside until the days when the weather turns nasty - unless it is Wed or Friday which are dance days. We need to add to the mix: dance practice time for both, violin time for M, the gym- again (summer routine of 3xs at 6:30 will no longer work, family reading time, family prayer time and a few other things, not in that order. The last is the most important :) And there we have it! Repeat daily!

Saturday night Mass

OK, since tomorrow is Himself's birthday, we decided to go to Mass tonight so he can have a lie-in tomorrow - if the children allow. We have a Church that seats 800. It has become apparent that at least 780 of these people are stupid. Or sleepwalking. Or both. CAUTION - Very non-Christian comments will follow. But I excuse myself because even Jesus got ticked at stupid and unfair people. Ok, these people come into Church acting like they are at a carnival. I am not so conservative that I will comment on styles of dress. My motto is - you are here and that's what matters. God does not care about clothes. God made bodies so your wrinkly ass knees are not going to scare Him. BUT I will interject one provision to that, and again I feel like I can since I am one of the unskinny. Here are the rules I want everyone to follow and accept:

1- Because you own it does NOT mean it fits you

2- Because someone had it for sale does NOT mean you should buy it

3- Just because someone you know said it looked ok on you does not mean that it does. The person you ask should not answer every question with "uh huh".

3- Look at yourself in the mirror. Check out everything. Does it fit? Is it long enough? NOW (and this is the crucial part) TURN TO THE SIDE. I know, I hate the way it looks too. I cannot believe that's what I look like from the side either. BUT IT IS A NECESSARY STEP in making sure all the parts are covered. It is important when you are unskinny to be covered - and not just the naughty bits. Most things.

Ok, so clothing aside - these people are chatting loudly, calling across the Church to friends, looking at cell phones (AND NOT SHUTTING THEM OFF! I swear, just once couldn't God lightning bolt one that rings during the Consecration?) - you name it and they are doing it. And all the time, quietly He sits and does not command attention. The little red light next the tabernacle lets us know that He is there. He died for us and it hurt. His Mommy had to watch the whole thing and probably wanted to die herself. I know now that no matter how old, my babies will always be my babies. It must have been the same for her. How did she bear it? She had borne so much already. And all for us, so that we could see God one day. He suffered to wash away the sins of us all, the sins of the Ages. He was granted victory over death and now He cannot be granted the respect of the people in the same room as He is? And the Priests won't yell, won't tell people how to act because if they do - well, people won't come back. I am beginning to believe that would not be such a bad thing. And I'm left sitting there saying to myself "Judge not lest ye be judged" and trying to get my children to act the way I know they should so that at least I can say we are trying. And I remember that God is our Father, and as such is more forgiving than I can understand. But how about just one small zap to a cell phone if no one gets hurt? :)

The Thing That Lives in the Backyard

Ok, so there are a ton of renovation and upgrades we want to do on this house. One is the backyard - what there is of it. There is only about a 40 feet until a hill started that is about a 60 degree angle, up hill. Most of the acre is off to the side of the house. We have left the hill for too long and it has started to erode. I've called for landscaping estimates and the fun will begin there soon. In the meantime - we have a resident. We have always referred to the as The Thing That Lives in the Backyard. (T3LB for sake of brevity here - and a really cool rap name if It so decides!) OK, so T3LB has lived there since late season last year. It has a huge hole/home towards to top of the hill. I can see it come out in the mornings from my kitchen table. (Wild friggin' Kingdom around here between them, deer, skunk, coyotes and a hog nosed snake I saw the other day. Not ready to discuss the snake yet!) So, since I've hatched the landscaping plan I've been wondering how we will get rid of T3LB. I've begun to feel a little like Bill Murray's character in Caddyshack. I talk to it from my seat, over my coffee. Things like "Enjoy it all now, because you are going to be evicted!" Chortle, chortle, snort. Well, as of the last few days - well T3LB has been showing me it's ASS! As if to say,"Oh, yeah? Kiss THIS! I'm going nowhere!" OMG! I wonder what now? Will we be like Over the Hedge and have to get the laser system to capture it? How much will T3LB end up costing me? I don't like him and he knows it. He's bigger than my dog though, so I have no real weapon. When we lived in the house I grew up in from ages 10-26 we had a T3LB there BUT we also had a part Lab- part Raccoon Hound who would chase it back into the woods. One day, it just up and died and the dog was shocked. She LOVED to chase it but had no real desire to kill it. It just went teats up one chase, before she even got to it. AND THEN NANA MADE ME LIFT IT WITH HER AND THROW IT INTO THE WOODS!!!! It was the end of the summer so it must have weighted 40 pounds, if not more. That's the grossest T3LB story of all time I think - even grosser than the time The Thing That Lives in the Backyard became the Thing That Loves in the Backyard. We had our own Rodent of Unusual Size porn going on. Puke. So, there will be another chapter to this saga. Can Wonderpup be taught a martial art do you think? NinjaPup has a nice ring to it!

Wonderpup and house renovations

I fear that the beautiful, ultra hip Wonderpup might be turning atheist. We just had to wrestle the second Church envelope from her - she had eaten one earlier today - and she also tried to eat the tuition statement! She might be the Pomeranian Martin Luther. Ok, he had a list of 95 reasons to break from Catholicism and she has eaten 95 things today but she was rather ecumenical about it - she is a non-biased, equal opportunity chewer. Maybe it really isn't her stand against Mother Church? Phew! She is now asleep upside down with the glue from the tuition envie stuck to the side of her mouth. I don't have the energy to go get it. I'm sorry Father, the dog ate our tuition bill????

The carpets are getting on my LAST nerve and I have to try to decide what I want done with the floors. It can't be good that a 6 pound dog is forcing my hand at renovations. In the mean time I need to once again scrub up Wonder pee :( argh! Good news is that Himself finished painting the Master bedroom and I love it! A malted milk color on the top 2/3 and a richer brown on the bottom third. Love it!

Would you do him? In what movie?

Ok - my best foreign friend and I were having an interesting discussion (side note: I have learned that the word "interesting" really means that I find it worth mentioning. When Himself says things are interesting a la "I was reading some global politics hoozit and the interesting things is _____" I always know that it will not be interesting. Soooo many other people do not know the TRUE meaning of this word either so I don't hold it against him.)So anyhoo, my friend - let's call her Fifi, is from a country not too far from here. Let's say Mexico. So Fifi was saying that she too finds Patrick Swayze sexy in Dirty Dancing. BUT then the revelation hit - she ONLY find him sexy in DD - no other movies! ME TOO! Wow! Who else? We discussed that we would do Tom Cruise in Top Gun and maybe cocktail but so totally NOT in Risky Business or any of his other movies! We had to talk business after that so things got boring but there must be more out there. Can you think of others? Do tell! Himself volunteered that Carrie Fisher was hot as Princess Leia (like every other man on the planet it seems) but not as the chick in her next movie - The Man WIth One Red Show with Tom Hanks. See, now there's a name. I have NEVER found him hot in anything. But you know who is ALWAYS hot? My Liam. Liam Neeson. Rob Roy in a kilt, Michael Collins in an Irish Soldier uniform - even as the Jedi Master dude in those must-be-endured Star Wars movies. And I don't think it's just because he's Irish either.