The TTLITBY and The City Bitch

Ok - so TTLITBY is The Thing That Lives In The BackYard. It's a woodchuck or groundhog - some kind of large marmot that has an attitude problem. We've discussed him before. It has ruined the side of our hill that leads into the backyard area. We also have a family of deer - well, a single Mom and her twins and last year's fawn who is now a yearling. Dad is off doing whatever Dad deer do - what the hell do they do? Nothing? Do they have super secret jobs somewhere? Do they sit around making s'mores by roasting marshmallows on their antler? I have no clue. Anyway - we are pissed at the deer family because they have eaten every plant put in. This includes the ones that deer "are not supposed to eat". Once again, clearly they are not reading up on the manual regarding what they eat and don't eat. I'm mad because we did the research! Anyway, so now we have deer and ground monkey problems (DD2's original name for TTLITBY) After a while it can grate on you - I mean we do not live in the country exactly. We are in the town, we are like a mile from "downtown" Podunk. Granted, we are still Podunk BUT we are a little more than an hour from the Gateway for the World, New York City! We have coyotes, deer, TTLITBYs, snakes of all sorts - including rattlesnakes (!), bear. I swear if a friggin' T.Rex showed up in the side yard I would only be mildly surprised.

OK - so I am at the floor store (not it's real name! I rarely bother to learn the real names of things - I rename them based on what I buy there. Sometimes I throw in "place" instead of store. The Wine Store, The Waxing Place, The Bagel Store, etc. Saves me the time of having to retrieve the info from the mental rolodex ) and I need to talk to the chick I spoke to last time. Her name is Floor Store Lady when we refer to her at home. So FSL has someone she is dealing with - City Couple. Ugh. These people are Manhattanites who have decided to redo the summer house and maybe live in it for retirement. They seem to have a uniform - it's September so man must wear dark wool trousers, grey cashmere turtleneck and dark shoes. Wife is trying to look casual. Wives come in 2 varieties: Designer and Bohemian. This one was Bohemian. Long beige peasant skirt, black blouse, black Coach bag and bad hair - past shoulder length (which IMHO is hard to pull off when 60+) and dyed black so many times that it is now crispy. Said crispiness makes it float a bit giving off a very Witchy Woman vibe. Wears patchoulli so we know that she went to Woodstock. He might have made money, but did it in an eco-friendly way. They are buying bamboo flooring for the main part of the house and oak for their bedroom I notice. Interesting. So, her hubby is talking to FSL and I need to wait so Floor Store Man decides to chat me up. (Am v.v. sexy so I get this a lot) So he starts:

Floor Store Man: So, (sucking noise made through teeth) Got a deer problem this year?

Me: Totally! Don't you hate that?

FSM: I hear ya. Also got us a woodchuck thing. Lives right in the backyard and won't move. Got one of them?

Me: YES! Do not know WHAT to do with him either! We wish we had our 'coon hound/Lab mix still - she took care of all those things before.

Witchy Woman - (standing off to side, about 8 feet away) makes a tutting noise. Looking in our direction but NOT a part of our convo. Clearly FSG does NOT want to talk to her as he likes sexy customers and not witchy ones.

FSM: Did that work? I'm thinking of getting a Rottweiler. My friend is going to Iraq....

WW: Loud sigh

Me: eye roll

FSM: (smile)so I thought I would take his dog till he gets back

Me: that's nice. I bet that would help - if he has the attitude. Some big dogs don't. My present dog is smaller than our woodchuck so I am out of luck. I think I need to get a GUN. (I stress this word for good measure)

WW: gurgling noise followed by a loud sigh

FSM: Well, that would be one way to do it. Do you like venison?

Me: (fully entertained now by WW) Nah, I just want to shoot them. I wouldn't eat the woodchuck neither!

FSM: (Laughs out Loud) You could probably give it away.

Me: Yeah, someone would take it. (Wait a beat) Do you have any real hard wood floors I can look at? Like stuff from really old hardwood trees?

WW: sucks in all the air in the room, in one huge gasp. She now decides to leave the showroom and go walk her beagle.

OK, I am not a big fan of guns personally because they scare me but I could not resist!! I also do not really want to kill the TTLITBY and the deer. I'd like someone else to do that :) I did talk to Himself about getting a BB-gun so we can just scare them, but he doesn't seem to warm to the idea of me having even a weapon of minor destruction. Go figure.

I also know that not ALL Manhattanites are like that - but you know what? A lot of them are. They think because they are moving here that we need to wait for them, that here is not as good as there, that we do not have the variety they had there, we are not as intelligent somehow, not as informed, etc. etc. Well then GO BACK. You came here because it's cheaper and that's that! Now get a grip! (ok, off soap box)

Am beginning to feel a little like Bill Murray's character in Caddy Shack, so that's a little scary!

Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

The New Schedule

So - we start our mobilization of Napoleon's Army the night before, when everyone either bathes or showers so as to not have to do that in the morning or we would never get out of the house. We pack backpacks and snacks, hopefully make lunches. R is in bed by 8:30 and I am thinking that might need to get earlier. M goes in 9:30 supposedly. Usually some crisis occurs that keeps her up till 10: she must check the weather channel (she wears a uniform), she need to go to the bathroom (for half an hour??) or she lost her pillow. (WTF???) So we humans are settled in by 10 and I watch TV until 12 or so. Don't ask. M says I need Lunesta because the commercial says it is for "restless minds that won't shut off". So as I get to sleep at that time, then 5 out of 7 nights I wake up at 3:30 to pee. All this time preceding SB is asleep on a little pillow next to my bed. At around 4am she will start hearing the deer outside the house and start barking. Usually I am the only one who hears her (again, WTF???) and she will keep up the ruffing and growling until around 5:30. The alarm goes off at 6:30 and I just want to sleep!! M's alarm goes off too and we start The Hair. It takes a long time to get your hair straight and flat apparently. She gets dressed and then eats. I wake R at around 6:45 these days - might push it back. She gets up and we choose bfast. We spend about 5 minutes and always settle on Rice Krispies. This gets eaten, slopped and poured on the dog - in that order. At this time I am getting dressed. I have purchased and put together outfits specifically to piss off the other mothers. This includes shoes, pocketbooks, jewelry and makeup. I am trying to set my place in the pecking order. Yes, it might seem odd but it's what needs to be done. I am very friendly and talk to everyone, but I have "A Plan". Ok, then we then go and wash slopped Krispies off face and brush teeth, get dressed and diss the clothes. ("Mr. Lauren makes ugly stupid clothes" (as in Ralph L) OR one outfit got the thumbs down because "What do you want me to look like, an old man movie star?" The outfit has a belted jacket. Too Bogart-esque I guess? Too much TV with Pippy! Ugh) At this point SB has been chased around the house at least twice to get the doll/sock/hair bow/tin can that she has run off with. IF there is time there might be something watched on Nick for a few minutes and then R makes out with SB before leaving the house, declaring undying love and all that. We get in the car to take M the 1/2 mile to her new bus stop. (Very nice, huh?) We let her get on and we must look "cool" and "disinterested" while sitting in the car. (Do I ever look INTERESTED while sitting in the car? I must.) We must also be sure to be gone before the bus loops around the development. And then we travel the 2 or so miles to R's K class. We have been the first ones there so we sit in the car and go over and over why we can't go in. THERE IS NO ONE THERE. THERE IS NO ONE THERE.THERE IS NO ONE THERE.THERE IS NO ONE THERE. The teachers come from prayer 5 minutes before school starts and we are at the door waiting. Off she goes in and never even looks back at me. I go home and read Email, FT and try to get some work done. Defrost something to cook later. Eat breakfast.Pickup for R is at 11:30 and we need to be back for M's bus - at a different stop - by noon this week. (Her full days start next week and she will have a later arrival home.) We sometimes need to give Pippy his lunch or just generally educate him on the new shows he COULD be watching if he turned to Nickelodeon. Sometimes we force him into a game of Life (played traditionally) or Clue (played, ironically, WITHOUT a clue - just roll dice and move that amount of spaces)Our own lunch of sandwich for M and 20 ounces of milk, a Pringle and 17 goldfish for R. Sometimes some other cookie subs for the fish)Then we need to be sure SB is over fed and over watered. Once tenderly cared for it is now time to attempt to assassinate SB. Choke holds, wrestling matches, "tag" - whatever you call it, it all seems like an attempt to kill a dog that cost $500 a pound to buy. As soon as all of these chores are done we get some downtime at the TV while I try to work/call people back/read Emails/recommend college take certain actions with craze clients/decide if we need a college counselor/plan meals/field IMs from crazy clients and try NOT to eat all the chocolate in the house. Now it is around 4 and we will be playing outside until the days when the weather turns nasty - unless it is Wed or Friday which are dance days. We need to add to the mix: dance practice time for both, violin time for M, the gym- again (summer routine of 3xs at 6:30 will no longer work, family reading time, family prayer time and a few other things, not in that order. The last is the most important :) And there we have it! Repeat daily!